Overwhelming anxiety, without understanding why. I wake up feeling as if someone is driving a hot, blunt saw back and forth through my stomach. I can hardly breathe.
There is a lot of stress at work because of a visit from the school inspection, but I am not there because I have one more day of training to become a Lifestream Coach. The learning curve is steep and the training is therapeutic, thus scary.
What if I break down and cry in front of the whole group? I feel like I need to cry for a whole day with everything that is going on right now. I grab all the things I need to bring and out of the blue there is a postcard in front of me, on the floor. It’s new, still in plastic. I must have bought it a long time ago and then forgotten about it. There is a beautiful picture of balloons in soft colours, no text.
I decide I am the one who need a card today and I write
God/Goddess fills the balloons.
I just need to let them soar.
I put it in my agenda and bring it with me to the training as a reminder that all I need to do today is show up and keep breathing.
Something has gone wrong in the communication, there has been a change of location and they forgot to tell me. I show up at the old location and then have to drive through morning traffic to get to the new location. I finally get there, late, flushed and possibly even more anxious than I already was.
We start off playing games to step into our bodies more. Once we get into it everyone lightens up, we are moving, laughing, forgetting to think.
In the next exercise everybody gets to choose a balloon out of a big box. There are loads of colours. “Choose a colour that suits you today.” I feel like shit. I want to choose a black one but I don’t want the other participants to think I’m depressed or something, so I pick a pink one.
When everyone has blown up their balloon the room is sparkling with colours and I can feel my heart become soft when I realize that the card this morning, the one that showed up from God knows where, really was a card for me. Like the message that came with it. Like this day.
We now have to sit on our balloon and at the same time read instructions and remember details. It’s hard because most of us are only occupied with the balloon under our bum, wondering when it will pop and if it will hurt. This is to make us aware of how many of our students are feeling. They can’t concentrate because they are sitting on their own balloons of heartbreak, loss, eating disorders, dysfunctional families, depression and many other things we are not always aware of.
At the end of the exercise, when we have also exchanged balloons, the pink one is dead and I have a big golden balloon in front of me.
I learned this day that I really need to trust my intuition. To let myself be seen. I knew the way to move forward in different exercises but was afraid to speak up and stand in front of the group.
I also know that the people who were orchestrated into my space this day were put there by the field of Love and Magic that I believe in. We were exactly the people that needed to meet and share and listen to each other.
The more I dip into this field, the more magic everything becomes.
So I end this day with a golden balloon.